:(

A day before he left.

I cried alone in the shower. I tried hard not to think. I convinced myself, it not gonna happen while I'm still here. I even picturing myself practicing what I've learned this sem - auscultate his bowel movement, looking for the sign he might have. Mak cakap mata atok kuning. Jaundiced, I guess. And changing his feeding tube.

But it still happens.

And it breaks my heart.

I miss you.

Redha.

Satu je aku harap. Semoga hati aku redha dengan pemergian atok. Semoga aku tak lost dengan mempersoalkan kenapa sekarang? Kenapa aku ada kat sini? Ingat dyla ; qada' dan qadar. Mungkin kalau aku dekat rumah, its not gonna be this hard. Mungkin kalau aku sempat jumpa, I won't cry this hard. Mungkin kalau aku call pagi tu rumah. I can tell him, how much I love him, how much I wanna be home, tell him that Im sorry for any of my wrong doings, words or simply everything. To let him know, I couldn't afford to lose him now. To ask him could he wait for me, 6 minggu je lagi.

Terkilan sangat. Atas banyak perkara yang terdetik di hati tapi I didn't do it that morning.

Tapi, sungguh aku lega bila bercakap dengan Dekyap. He convinced me that everything went well. Atok pergi senang. He got everyone beside him when he left us. Muka atok tenang. And it's Friday night. It makes me feel better.Thus, I shouldn't cry. Jadi, stop crying now! Allah swt lebih sayang dia, so He eases his pain by taking him away. Absorb all of these dyla.

Take this pain away, ya Allah. I know I'll be okay. But for now, it's unbearable.

Semoga tenang di sana. Dyla sayang sangat. :(

Escape Myself - NV

You spurn my natural emotions.

*Senyum*

Orang cakap elok mulakan hari dengan senyuman. Supaya sepanjang hari kau, benda yang baik-baik sahaja berlaku. :) Hmm.

Kau tahu, hari-hari aku rasa otak aku ni cakap benda yang sama je. Tentang cita-cita yang makin lama makin kabur. Makin lama makin tak yakin dengan pilihan yang aku buat. Kelakar kan? Kau third year dah kot.

Sebenarnya takde apa pun. Cuma kadang-kadang keliru. Dengan effort diri yang boleh dilevelkan tahap sampah sarap punya pemalas, macam mana nak capai cita-cita yang tinggi macam Gunung Everest? Hambik kau. Hmm

Aku rasa aku kind of hilang diri, hilang focus third year ni. Nervous. Tu problem aku paling utama. Alah macam biasa, gua memang nervous dari dulu pon. heh. Sebab apa?

Sebab third year adalah clinical year.

Kadang rasa inferior dengan orang-orang sekeliling. Bila diorang start bercakap term-term yang aku tak jelas, tak tahu tak segalanyalah. Mula la gelabah. Okay dyla memang gelabah. But you know that feelings kan. Ke aku seorang je rasa macam tu? Demmit.

Hmm.

Okay sudah la. Memang suka buat kecoh. Gaya macam masalah complicated sangat. Padahal satu je problem aku. Get your lazyy ass start working now la dyla oi! Pemalas macam haram. Erghh.


Bye.

p/s : Weird. Lately almost everything that I fall into mesti related dengan tempat itu. Hmm.

get well soon

"No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that"

(Bukhari : Book;70, Hadith;545)

Aku rasa kau dan aku, kita ada sedikit persamaan.

Disclaimer : Entry ini bukan naturally datang dari tuan belog ni.

Jiwa 80an.
Nice huh? Smart.


p/s : Malam ni karat sikit. ;)

ouh lupa. Tengok la movie ni 'Sang Pemimpi'. Thumbs up.

Back to where I belong, yeah I never felt so strong.

So far, life has been wonderful. :)

For now, I think I love clinical year more than my pre-clinical. Main dengan stethoscope, BP thingy, patella hammer, badan orang etc. Okay la kan for a start, though I know banyak lagi will coming up after ni. Tapi sokay, I guess my interest is there. :)

Just a few weeks left in Dublin. Tak tahu nak rasa apa. Part of me super excited cause I'm going back for good. Shuttt, balik wey balik! yay yay yay! No more waiting for bus! haha. But of course, the other part of me sedih. Sedih sebab dah tak jadi orang kaya after ni. haha. Tak kelakar langsung.

Hmm, bye.

p/s : x)

;(

T A K U T

saturday blues

Kesiankan Abby Abadi? Tiba tiba. Hah.

Okay, ni sangat random. Aku kira ikut jugaklah perkembangan Abby since pergi like dia kat FB kan. Dia ni jenis macam berterus terang jugak lah. Takde lah macam nak sorok-sorok sangat. Seronok tengok dia makin kuat though kena jadi single mother. Padan muka Norman. HAHA. Tiba-tiba lagi.

Okay abaikan. Baru hari ni layan blog dia. Terlayan la pulak lagu lagu kat playlist dia. Eh suka la lagu Erra Ziana Zain semua ni.

Tu je nak cakap sebenarnya. Ada exam tapi taktaw lah.

Salam.

p/s : Sixth sense.

makhluk emo

Awas!

Makhluk emo sedang mencari mangsa.

Serious. Baik jauhkan diri dari makhluk emo sekarang. Sebab dia tengah neves nak exam. Eh ok ok. Tu letak belakang. Neves nak masuk hospital sebenarnya! yeah. Tu number one. Seriously, dia ada masalah poor stress management.

Labcoat je kot hilang. Tak payah la nak emo sangat. ( eh kau taktaw ke dia benci gila cari barang misplaced. Boleh nangis okay. Tu perkara yang orang kata kecik tapi boleh buat otak jammed sampai ke kepala. Kau tahu macam mana rasa tu? )

Masuk clinical je kot. Semua benda tu memang kau kena lalui pon. Apa yang nak neves sangat? ( haah, tak perlu la kan nak neves gila. Tapi dia nak neves gak. So? Ada masalah? ) hmm, nasib baik ada sumber penenang hati. If you trust I can do it, I should trust myself too kan? Yay! Hugs!

Tak suka lah situation sekarang ni. Okay dia gedik. ;p

Disebabkan perkara-perkara di atas. Dia telah bertindak di luar kawalan seperti mendelete friends di FB, mengomel tanpa henti (aiyok maaf terpaksa melayan kerenah budak ni. Dia neves, kasi chance okay? ;p), meng'offline'kan diri. Makan dengan kuantiti banyak dan bilangan yang kerap. Aiyok lagi.

Tapi, jangan bimbang. Akan kembali normal! :)

p/s : Kalau sekali stress delete 100 friends. Kalau lepas ni 7x stress, tade friend lagi dah kat FB? kah kah kah.

serabut

Maybe makin lama rasa makin dah tua. Rasa semak dengan semua benda. Maka, saya removed yang tak berkenaan. Remove mereka mereka yang level aku remove pon bukan dirg perasan pon. Yeah golongan itu.

Maybe, it's time to focus on serious businesses. Sesak je tengok banyak sangat unnecessary thingy. Haih, memang bukan seorang yang hmm peramah lah. Lama-lama boleh jadi anti-sosial.

Nak buat macam mana. Dyla memang begitu. Now, I tend to focus on orang-orang tertentu je. I speak less dengan yang lain. Macam takde keinginan pon nak ambil tahu. Tahu? Not in a mood to get connected, unless you're someone important. heh.

Adakah ini satu petanda buruk?

Tak kesah la. Saya memang tak peramah. heh

p/s : Nervous gila nak masuk clinical next week. Sumpah! Maybe ini faktor saya menjadi semakin rasa yang lain menyemakkan.

mereka masih muda

;)

p/s : I can't wait to be home,back for good. :)

1 Malaysia!

Why so hard to find a house to rent? Seriously, kenapalah perlu Penanggg! I should not bring whatever racist issues in here. But, I guess everyone is already well-aware Penang macam mana kan. Well, when all the landlords are they, so the preference is made. Preference okay lagi, yang memang strictly looking for their kind only tu lagi la. phffttt.

Whatever la wey!

Tiba-tiba lak gua hangin malam ni kan. Tiba-tibaaaaaa.

Ehhh, jumpa the best house setakat ni! Ouh please this one okay. Doa please? :)

p/s : Hooked.

Selamat Malam

Kelakar. Didn't anyone tell you experience is the best teacher?

I wish to tell you, stop it. But I couldn't. Cause I know you know it well too. :)

Selamat malam.

Good Day

Hi!

I'm back in Dublin! And it feels damn good. At least bau bilik sendiri. Tidur katil sendiri, though katil peah like super cozy. Dah la double bed. Mine single so takle nak guling guling. Hehe.

Went to few places in UK. Manchester, Coventry, London and Birmingham. Tapi, ni je pics yang nak tepek kat blog ni. Nah!

Semangat yaw! :DD

Okay dah. Nak rest! hee

p/s : Selamat selamat selamat! :)

Bye! :)

Welcome 2011!

Hi!

Hehe. Hari ni 1111. Nice number huh? :) Happy New Year everyoneeeee. Actually, I never have proper resolutions everytime nak masuk tahun baru. Seriously. Never have one unless orang tanya then baru terfikir. Okay, nak buat azam tahun baru apa eh. hehe

Basically, all I want is live well. That's the whole summary for my short term goal for this year. Eyh 2011 yaw! Aaaaaa. :DD

Then, to break down what it means by live well. Maybe....

To live well, surely I need to eat well kan. So, first is diettt! This always be on top of my list since hmm forever. And well, everytime orang tanya ni lah jawapan dia. hehe. Sorry, can't think any else better in short period of time.

Second, menjadi lebih rajin membaca medical news. It's never enuf to just study what's in the text book. Tapi apa yang dalam text book pon tak larat nak baca. Then how? :DD

Third, be a good person. And buat something that I always promise myself that I will never miss it. Tapi tak cukup lagi lah diri ni. Still banyak yang lubang lubang. Saya mahu jadi itu! Kuat dalaman kuat luaran. Pray for me yeh. :)

Okay, this is it, for now. I nak kena mandi. hehe

Welcome 2011! 2010 was a good year, I hope you'll be one too. :)

p/s : row row row the boat! roarrrrr. :DD